Alien wishes he could draw.Alien laments his laziness.Alien has an empty fridge.Alien wants to stop working and sleep.Alien can't enjoy nature.Alien is too unimaginative to see shapes in clouds.Alien denies his insomnia.Alien has one fan.
Alien loses his work.Alien is fatter.Alien is jealous of the other plot of ground.Alien doesn't like going to work.Alien procrastinates too much.Alien doesn't like Facebook.Alien hates spiral notebooks.Alien cries over spilt milk.
Alien has a bad day.Alien can't get into a good routine.Alien is bad at sports.Alien doesn't know how to react well to situations.Alien ignores a big problem.Alien is Katamari Sisyphus.Alien can't climb the ladder of success.Alien get existential at night.
Alien is hungry.Alien forgot about Mother's day.Alien has a coffee drinking habit.Alien is publicly alone.Alien manipulates midichlorians.Alien discovers the internet.Alien doesn't save.Alien is tired.
Alien doesn't take advice.Alien will show them. All of them.Alien needs more skills.Alien isn't depressed today.Alien wants to play happy music.Alien won't get to be immortal.Alien doesn't really like cars that much.Alien expresses typographical discomfort.
Alien doesn't like other people being right.Alien feels like his plans are falling apart.Alien isn't feeling himself.Alien doesn't think :P looks goofy.Alien has trouble fitting cupcakes in his mouth.Alien is lactose intolerant.Alien has a mild fear of the dark.Alien isn't good with microwaves.
Alien forgot to grab a towel.Alien doesn't get enough chips.Alien gets emails from himself.Alien finds out that fireworks are dangerous.Alien mixes his colors and whites.Alien procrastinates.Alien has trouble sleeping.Alien has OCD.
Alien meets an interesting fellow in the bathroom.Alien loses his balloon.Alien blinks.Alien watches too much Netflix.Alien can't keep his eyes off himself in video chats.Alien ducks unnecessarily.Alien is afraid of the dark. Still.Alien gets unreasonably angry.
Alien needs to learn how to parent.Alien splashes himself.Alien grows a beard (well not really).Alien sits on a plane.Alien has a clown friend.Alien is lonely at parties.Alien is a grammar nazi.Alien goes on an adventure.
Alien spills his tray.Alien can be an insensitive jerk.Alien works with Bob.Alien learns about cancer statistics.Alien isn't depressed... for now. (Guest comic!)Alien has an uncomfortable moment.Alien checks the news.Alien's friend sees the end.
Alien watches some horror movies.Alien wishes TSR hadn't gotten cancelled...Clown walks his dog.Alien unleashes a granola grenade.Alien can't find his remote.Alien goes egg poaching.Alien doesn't know what the mustard is for.Alien isn't getting much help.
Alien faces bathroom entrapment.Alien gets stood up.Curiosity gets abandoned...Alien tries to avoid looking rapey.Han took the first shot.Gestaporcs attack!Sometimes Scissors feels a bit used...And on the 7th day...
An apple a day...Seals' night out on the town.Not a bad deal, if you ask me.Mark of the Jackpot.It'll be a long wait for the punchline.I swear, I felt it touch my leg!Especially if it's *spiderman* underwear...Maybe I should just go as the Flash instead...
'Leaving' the job.Some pretty sour grapes.'Got any pots, too?'True story.Mix up the order of the labels and we call that a 'spectrum disorder'Only happens once in a full moon, too.It has literally never smelled *good*...You wanna go catch dinner and a movie, bro?
'Really? Not even on casual Fridays?'I was overzealous... and I damn well paid for it.It's MY day, and I'm not gonna let YOU shit all over it!It's not cheating--it's planning ahead.Yeeeah... It was his fault.Honestly, it's almost down to a script.I don't know what I'd do if it DID move...How can you be jealous? She's easily a 9, and I'm a 6, tops.
The Caped Fruitsader'I KNOW that it makes sense, Tom, but it just doesn't work like that!'Some traumas stay with you.I like my private time.See also: proud parents of honor roll students.Always thinking ahead sometimes.Honestly, it's the only line we all know.Is it *that* hard to tidy up a little bit?
If evolution exists, then why wasn't I a monkey when I was younger? least for the first couple weeks of January.Daily grind at the Daily Planet.Don't get me started on that 'time remaining' bullshit...You'll hang for this!Hitting new lows.Steroids? Nah, these are all natural.For my sanity...
The Imp of the Perverse has taken up residence in my brain.Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!At least the hard part is done.I was BORN this way!Watch out, kids.Electronics Torture.Winterly introspection.That was a lot of points.
And whine-o was his name-o.Also a little screwed.It's okay, I WANTED to eat alone...Robot's cubeAs if it only happens on Valentine's day...Starting off on the wrong foot... although either one would've been bad.You know, just the kind of attitude that'll go far.Well if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna get credit for it.
Incoming: Flood of likes.He's not into yoga either.A restroom atrocity.Apparently the only way Leo is gonna get one.At least they're better than those white-trash macadamias.'Don't make me stop this car.''Hey Jon!' 'Hey... you'Same shit, different social group.
Slow and painful.It will be long. It will be hard. But we will overcome.The Spineless Man.Axis of symmetry: ~18 yearsKamikaze phoneAt least it was only $1.39Providing tools for your hate-filled rage since 1816!Harsh realities come with age.
'...But is she single?'Rescue team GO GO GO!An hour well-wasted.Whatever you were planning to do... don't.It doesn't even look like one!Be strong, lads. It's only a matter of time.Bomb defused....but it won't stop me from doing it anyway.
Laundry day is tomorrow....and may it support us through all our years together.Zelda and Frankenstein commiserate.Backforked.Emperor Palpitate....Or carrying something heavy.Live long, and may the force be with you.One trip or bust.
...And then never buying any of it.This won't hurt a bit!Ravin' RavenLooks like cereal tomorrow.He'll never be caught.Fishing for compliments.But of course, I get arrested if I do it.Straw-spoons are an inevitability.
You'll definitely finish it. At some point. Right?This has never happened.Freddie Mercury'I mean, just look at him... he definitely did it.'There's a reason why mowers are loud.The stakes are too damn high!Halloween. Every day.For those of you who don't own cats... yes, this really happens.
Father's Day Hangover.I wish I could go back...I watch it for the plot.That's not how this works... That's not how any of this works.Out of sight, out of mind.And yet, I feel safer when these guys find them...You could say it was scarring.'It's just because he's cold!'
The Sorting Hat's usual request...Online ordering is a godsend.None of that 'Hawaiian' crap either.The fear of dawn.Fun makes you free!The meanest things you can say are the true ones.A more flamboyant extension cord.And yet somehow you'd still never manage to keep the two together...
...was it even me? Who was it? Is it good or bad? Sounded bad...Yes, even those things.D'oh.Hopefully one-word answers will work...He died? No kidding!The Sandwich of Death.'Hey Jerry, could you get me--' 'THERE IS NO LIFE IN THE VOID.'LEMONS?! THAT'S the best you could muster?!
Ain't no rule saying the cat can't play Telephone...Extra, extra!'But that doesn't--oh.'Mobius Belt.At least it wasn't boiling yet.Super-who? No, it's definitely not that.You don't always need it to deflect blaster shots and slice droids...'Yes, of COURSE I'm trying to get to the other side, dipshit.'
'I worked ALL NIGHT on that!'Putting drunkenness in easy mode.What do you call a fish who won't share?Admiral probably thought there was a comic. HA THERE ISN'T!The Chad DiasporaDays since last accident: 0Bite down and taste the lava-like lardsplosion!
...and your stupid doctor!At least it'll wake you up in the morning.Will no one think of the children?!It's not mine.'But I thought length didn't matter!'Slaving away for not enough pay.Good one, dad.He gets asked to do group selfies a lot.
Well, maybe next time.They're not trying to find out why they should hire you... They're trying to find out why they shouldn't.When it applies to everyone but feels unique to you...A daily Snapchat experience.Yeah, I don't know why they'd be reading a book either.My personal space bubble has officially been burst.Cubicle snacks.'Catch you next week!' *vanish*
Oops.Happy HalloweenNot so horny'Well be more explicit next time!''...AND you don't rot on the porch all month'The unattainable beauty standards of Fall....even with plenty of clean laundry.Theft is the sincerest form of flattery.
It's always seemed like such an amazing deal...Moving pairs of dimes.The lights were inexplicably on in my basement last night--and they stayed that way until morning.'Those unread savages!!1!'Big words. They're all the same.Sorry Thanksgiving, but we've already chosen our favorite holiday.The 'Food Story' movies have always been a tad more gruesome than the toy ones.It's nice to see unbounded medical professionals doing some good.
Doing donuts in my car is my RIGHT by like, the second amendment or something!It's certainly possible to be both correct and dead.I...I think we have to throw it out now.I don't know what I expected.Poor Timmy.'Aw lucky! All I got was a bag of toys... guess I'm gonna be cold tonight.''Ugh, Past-Jon! Why did you put this off until the last minute?!'Breaking wind.
Excitement: perfect for when you want to toss and turn all night.All that annoying Thanksgiving music out there...Roy G. Biv isn't the most powerful guy in town.An adventure you and your family will never forget.'Alright, that'll be... $40k per year over four years. Debit or credit?'Just about anyone given a few seconds with a lightsaber...Looks like someone else is getting headphones for their birthday.'Well finish the bath if you must then, slave.'
He decided he just wasn't pudding up with any more of it.'D-Did it just break that camel's back?!'And we can call our best bankers 'Prosperities' too. /sForever to remain just beyond the grasp of your fingertips...Avalanche burial ain't so fun.The Socket Snake strikes again!Oof! Ouch! Ungh!The Sarchasm calls to thee...
'B-but... I don't have hands, sire.' 'UNACCEPTABLE!!! Guards, put him in the desk drawer.'What I like most is watching the light fade from its eyes--er, screen.Be sure to take this opportunity to lose while you still can!Always avoid whipping cream.Nothing like a dose of adrenaline to keep you awake in class.'I'M NOT HOME''That's... not the important part.'Another day, another dollar.
Mean owners.Well, that's good enough for today.I won't make any money today, AND I have to pay for a doctor's visit? No thank you.When I don't hit every sweet spot before pushing her off my lap...Coming soon!Come all ye wasted.'Can you hand me the remote? ...Not that one... or that one...'Can't we put it somewhere else? Like second Christmas?
A gift you can give yourself.Heard it through the grapevine.I did actually ask my parents this as a kid.Panda orphanThe first night at a new apartment is an itchy one for the unprepared.That's actually 13 problems, thankyouverymuch.I don't even want to know what an individual 'keet' is...Bugger off.
And He sayeth unto the crowd, 'dibs.'Helloooooo, Spring.It's weird how almost every topic in education is graded by time trial.We'll have to get on the horn to discuss the task list for our progress update.Deus ex feminaOne of these days I'll be gone, and you'll miss me. You'll miss me.Sometimes, things end up shittier than expected.It's crazy bright here too--seriously? Just me?
That's... not how that works.